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By looking at the team Jesus had to lead, it is easy to see there were guys on the team that would make any leader want to pull his hair out. Yet Jesus picked the team and lead them with grace. Here are some tools on how to lead difficult people.
As a church leader, I’m confident you love and care about people, but if you have been leading for over a week, you have encountered a difficult person or two.
An outstanding volunteer on the hospitality team told me that someone had just left because of the coffee. The unhappy attendee said, “This coffee tastes like dirt.” He said it was weak and insisted that we do something about it. It didn’t matter that it was free. (Free is not an excuse for lousy coffee, but thousands seem to like it.) The volunteer offered our “name” brand, but the attendee was upset that it wasn’t free.
We all can be difficult or have a bad day, but chronic personalities require intentional effort, maturity, and specific skill to lead.
As leaders, we are called to love everyone, Jesus made that clear in John 13:34-35, but that does not mean we are to consistently tolerate behavior that harms the people and mission of the church.
Our coffee story is not a big deal, but it illustrates the picture simply and quickly. Difficult is difficult.
In the context of this edition of Leadership Helps, the tension in leadership is how to love and extend grace to people who are difficult and lead them in a way that serves them well and advances the church’s mission.
The five most difficult people to lead:
Notes: This does not assume adversarial relationships but acknowledges the reality of leading difficult people.
It is not a comprehensive treatment of the subject. It is not my intent to place anyone in a box, lower the responsibility of a leader, or reduce the transforming ability of Christ, but only to provide a few helpful insights so leaders can love and lead better.
- The Discontent Person
The discontent personality always wants something more than that. Learning to lead this person with truth and grace is an art because they never seem satisfied.
Whatever it may be, from a particular ministry to a training program or the amount of Bible content in a sermon to time with a pastor, it’s never enough.
An ungrateful or critical spirit typically characterizes a discontented person.
Lead by helping the person to consider and adopt a different perspective. Start by asking them what they are content with (in context with the specific issue) and insist that they articulate precisely what they want.
Lead without promising you or anyone can or will deliver all they want. You can’t. But the place to begin is establishing realistic expectations and a more grateful disposition. - The Negative Person
The negative personality appears unhappy by choice and is often the wet blanket to any group gathering or meeting. It’s not just the difference between a glass half empty or half full; this person seems to have poured out half of a full glass on purpose.
The negative person is typically characterized as one who sees only problems and not solutions.
Lead by acknowledging the problem but focusing on the positive and insisting on moving toward solutions. - The Argumentative Person
The argumentative personality needs to win. It often doesn’t matter what the topic is, and with this person, you usually feel more like you are in a courtroom debate rather than a conversation. The need to be correct and win is greater than the ministry’s goals.
The argumentative person usually has a robust and articulate personality, characterized by a very aggressive approach, and must win at all costs.
Lead an argumentative person by establishing boundaries for a healthy and productive conversation. Keep the big picture in the forefront and agree on the end goal before starting the conversation. - The Duplicitous Person
The duplicitous person has a political bent and can be two-faced. They are not loyal to relationships and may be passive-aggressive. That is kind one moment and turns on you the next.
Thankfully, this personality is the rarest of the five, but it can also do the most damage.
The duplicitous person is known for gossiping, changing opinions, and rarely taking a stand that does not benefit them personally.
Don’t lead by fear or from a distance, but straight on with bold confidence and direct language. Don’t put them in charge of anything until you see change.
- The Apathetic Person
Essentially, the apathetic personality just doesn’t care. They don’t necessarily hurt anything, but neither do they help anything. This person isn’t as aggressive as the first four personalities but can be just as difficult because they are unmotivated.
The apathetic person is characterized as pleasant but unhelpful, without an opinion, and lacking passion.
Always love this person, as with all five personalities, but don’t invest too much time. Lead by letting them know you would love to see them grow and be part of something great, but they must show some initiative.
Five practical steps to lead difficult people:
- Assess what’s going on under the surface.
Very few people want to be difficult. Some don’t know they are perceived that way. Take a little time to dig deeper than the issue at hand to see if you can discover what might be troubling them at a heart level.
- Establish a reasonable and honest conversation.
Any reasonable conversation includes two people willing to listen, understand both sides, and move toward the greater good. This always requires personal authenticity and total honesty.
- Discover what they really want.
Expectations are often at the core of someone who appears to be difficult or genuinely difficult. Ask this direct question, “What do you want?” It is a liberating question because there is freedom in the answer.
You may discover they don’t know what they want. That is not only a problematic person but a dangerous one. Proceed with caution until they can verbalize what they want.
- Set limits and boundaries.
The person can disagree with you, but it must be done respectfully. Their tone and demeanor matter.
Agreement on the overall mission over anyone’s personal agenda must be agreed upon. Progress is essential. You may get stuck for a brief time, but moving forward, both relationally and according to the purpose of the ministry, is mandatory.
- Lead them to adopt a different perspective.
The purpose here is not to make someone think as you do but to help them become a healthy and happy part of the body of Christ. We never want to see someone leave the church, but sometimes that’s OK.
I trust that this brief article is helpful and that the Holy Spirit brought it to you at the right time, either for you or someone on your team.
Increasing your ability to lead a difficult person allows you to appreciate them more meaningfully and helps the greater mission move forward.
